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Domestic Violence: Definition

July 3rd, 2009

Domestic violence is the behavior used by one person in a relationship to control the other. This form of abuse occurs to both married and unmarried couples. It also occurs to individuals outside the relationship, such as the children. It is not limited to physical abuse. Although emotional instability could stem from the physical beatings, emotional abuse alone counts as domestic violence. Now recognized as an anti-social illness, it can be found in all kinds or relationships- heterosexual, gay, lesbian, living together, separated or dating.

Examples of abuse include:

  • name-calling or put-downs
  • keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends
  • withholding money
  • stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job
  • actual or threatened physical harm
  • sexual assault
  • stalking
  • intimidation

Domestic violence can be criminal. It being the leading cause of injury to women aged 15 and above, this sort of violence can result to one’s death. Domestic violence includes physical assault, sexual abuse and stalking. Hitting, pushing and shoving are some examples of physical assaults. Sexual abuse is defined as unwanted or forced sexual activity. Under the legal system, forcing one’s wife to any sexual activity is considered as marital rape. Stalking is an invasion of privacy, of one’s personal space. Being pursued stealthily puts you in a vulnerable state, open to the pursuer’s erratic behavior. Therefore, stalking is a crime. It is deterrent to the whole being of the victim. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuses are not criminal behaviors, they are forms of abuse that can lead to criminal violence.

Like evil itself, the violence takes many forms. It can happen all the time or once in a while. An important step to help yourself or someone you know in preventing or stopping violence is by recognizing the warning signs listed on the “Violence Wheel.” The Violence Wheel is an informative guide in determining whether or not you are being abused. Sure, there are alarm bells sounding off when you are being mistreated. However, fear or blind love causes you to ignore them. Why is it important to know the warning signs? Awareness of the signs is deemed important because it helps you to “diagnose” the current state of your relationship. Sometimes, women think it is normal for men to lose control and hurt them physically and verbally. By knowing the signs, you are able to determine where to draw the line and to prevent further abuse. If you are already being abused, it will help you deepen your resolve to stop the abuse. Acknowledging the fact that you are being abused is the first active step towards freedom.

ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM! It is difficult to admit to yourself that you are a victim, that you have been victimized. It hurts your body, your pride, your ego. Being a victim should not be downplayed. You can only be a victim if you do not speak up and fight for your rights. Victims of domestic violence can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Both men and women can be abused though most reported victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Most children cannot handle the situation better than you do. Even if your child is not physically harmed, witnessing a parent assault the other causes suffering. Raising a child in a violent environment affects their emotional and social behavior. They may even adapt the violent behavior, lead to believe that it is a normal and rational concept.

If you are in an abusive relationship or know someone who is being abused, REMEMBER that:

1. You are not alone.
2. It is not your fault.
3. Help is available and within your reach.

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Domestic Violence: Questions About Leaving

June 26th, 2009

Victims of domestic violence eventually develop their own tactics to survive. They develop ways to cope and live with the abuse. For them to manage the maltreatment, most victims will deny the occurrence of violence. Some will water it down so it will be easier for them to accept. To deaden the pain, some victims resort to drugs and alcohol. Some take full responsibility for their partner’s abusive behavior. This response is usually egged on by the abuser since once of his manipulative tactics is to blame the victim for provoking him.

There are many other factors on why victims stay in an abusive relationship. It may be the result of an upbringing with rigid religious and cultural constraints. Whatever the reason, it will never validate the existence of an abusive environment. It seems irrational to choose to live with violence but that choice is usually grounded on fear of what happens when and after they leave.

Can I take my children with me when I leave?

  • Yes, you can absolutely take your children with you only if you can do it safely. It may be more difficult later for you to protect them when you have already distanced yourself from the abuser.
  • Get legal custody of them within a few days. This is of the utmost importance. Many of the groups listed in this book may help you find assistance.
  • If you do not have your children with you, it may be difficult filing for temporary custody of your children. The parent who has physical possession of the children may and usually have an advantage of getting temporary custody. As mentioned previously in this handbook, include your children in your safety plan to avoid unnecessary loopholes.
  • Your partner may try to kidnap, threaten or harm the children in order to get you to return. It is important to warn your children’s school of who are allowed to pick them up. Inform your neighbors as well that you have already left the abuser and no longer share accommodations with him.
  • If you are in immediate danger and cannot take your children, contact the police immediately to arrange for temporary protective custody. (This does not mean you will lose custody. Permanent custody will be decided later by a judge).

Where do I go?

  • Stay with a friend or relatives. Now, the abuser will most likely look for you at your family’s home. It is essential for your survival to go to a relative that wholly supports your decision to leave.
  • If you are a woman, do not stay with a man unless he is a relative. Living with a man you are not married to could hurt your chances of getting custody of your children and spousal support. The abuser’s legal adviser can use this as an argument at court. It could also cause conflict with your abuser. Living with a man will further infuriate the abuser and will cause severe retaliation.
  • Go to a battered women’s shelter with your children. The staff there can help you get legal and financial help as well as provide counseling and emotional support for you and your children.
  • Call 911 because it is a good start. The police now have established protocols for domestic abuse calls and will fairly enforce the law against the said violence. Domestic violence is now considered as a serious threat and is recognized by the state of law.

Your life and your safety are most important. Trying to bring your children with you is important. Everything else is secondary.

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