Domestic violence is the behavior used by one person in a relationship to control the other. This form of abuse occurs to both married and unmarried couples. It also occurs to individuals outside the relationship, such as the children. It is not limited to physical abuse. Although emotional instability could stem from the physical beatings, emotional abuse alone counts as domestic violence. Now recognized as an anti-social illness, it can be found in all kinds or relationships- heterosexual, gay, lesbian, living together, separated or dating.
Examples of abuse include:
- name-calling or put-downs
- keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends
- withholding money
- stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job
- actual or threatened physical harm
- sexual assault
- stalking
- intimidation
Domestic violence can be criminal. It being the leading cause of injury to women aged 15 and above, this sort of violence can result to one’s death. Domestic violence includes physical assault, sexual abuse and stalking. Hitting, pushing and shoving are some examples of physical assaults. Sexual abuse is defined as unwanted or forced sexual activity. Under the legal system, forcing one’s wife to any sexual activity is considered as marital rape. Stalking is an invasion of privacy, of one’s personal space. Being pursued stealthily puts you in a vulnerable state, open to the pursuer’s erratic behavior. Therefore, stalking is a crime. It is deterrent to the whole being of the victim. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuses are not criminal behaviors, they are forms of abuse that can lead to criminal violence.
Like evil itself, the violence takes many forms. It can happen all the time or once in a while. An important step to help yourself or someone you know in preventing or stopping violence is by recognizing the warning signs listed on the “Violence Wheel.” The Violence Wheel is an informative guide in determining whether or not you are being abused. Sure, there are alarm bells sounding off when you are being mistreated. However, fear or blind love causes you to ignore them. Why is it important to know the warning signs? Awareness of the signs is deemed important because it helps you to “diagnose” the current state of your relationship. Sometimes, women think it is normal for men to lose control and hurt them physically and verbally. By knowing the signs, you are able to determine where to draw the line and to prevent further abuse. If you are already being abused, it will help you deepen your resolve to stop the abuse. Acknowledging the fact that you are being abused is the first active step towards freedom.
ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM! It is difficult to admit to yourself that you are a victim, that you have been victimized. It hurts your body, your pride, your ego. Being a victim should not be downplayed. You can only be a victim if you do not speak up and fight for your rights. Victims of domestic violence can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Both men and women can be abused though most reported victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Most children cannot handle the situation better than you do. Even if your child is not physically harmed, witnessing a parent assault the other causes suffering. Raising a child in a violent environment affects their emotional and social behavior. They may even adapt the violent behavior, lead to believe that it is a normal and rational concept.
If you are in an abusive relationship or know someone who is being abused, REMEMBER that:
1. You are not alone.
2. It is not your fault.
3. Help is available and within your reach.
Tags: Child abuse, domestic violence, Physical abuse, Psychological abuse, violence against women, Violence and Abuse, Women, women violence
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Victims of domestic violence eventually develop their own tactics to survive. They develop ways to cope and live with the abuse. For them to manage the maltreatment, most victims will deny the occurrence of violence. Some will water it down so it will be easier for them to accept. To deaden the pain, some victims resort to drugs and alcohol. Some take full responsibility for their partner’s abusive behavior. This response is usually egged on by the abuser since once of his manipulative tactics is to blame the victim for provoking him.
There are many other factors on why victims stay in an abusive relationship. It may be the result of an upbringing with rigid religious and cultural constraints. Whatever the reason, it will never validate the existence of an abusive environment. It seems irrational to choose to live with violence but that choice is usually grounded on fear of what happens when and after they leave.
Can I take my children with me when I leave?
- Yes, you can absolutely take your children with you only if you can do it safely. It may be more difficult later for you to protect them when you have already distanced yourself from the abuser.
- Get legal custody of them within a few days. This is of the utmost importance. Many of the groups listed in this book may help you find assistance.
- If you do not have your children with you, it may be difficult filing for temporary custody of your children. The parent who has physical possession of the children may and usually have an advantage of getting temporary custody. As mentioned previously in this handbook, include your children in your safety plan to avoid unnecessary loopholes.
- Your partner may try to kidnap, threaten or harm the children in order to get you to return. It is important to warn your children’s school of who are allowed to pick them up. Inform your neighbors as well that you have already left the abuser and no longer share accommodations with him.
- If you are in immediate danger and cannot take your children, contact the police immediately to arrange for temporary protective custody. (This does not mean you will lose custody. Permanent custody will be decided later by a judge).
Where do I go?
- Stay with a friend or relatives. Now, the abuser will most likely look for you at your family’s home. It is essential for your survival to go to a relative that wholly supports your decision to leave.
- If you are a woman, do not stay with a man unless he is a relative. Living with a man you are not married to could hurt your chances of getting custody of your children and spousal support. The abuser’s legal adviser can use this as an argument at court. It could also cause conflict with your abuser. Living with a man will further infuriate the abuser and will cause severe retaliation.
- Go to a battered women’s shelter with your children. The staff there can help you get legal and financial help as well as provide counseling and emotional support for you and your children.
- Call 911 because it is a good start. The police now have established protocols for domestic abuse calls and will fairly enforce the law against the said violence. Domestic violence is now considered as a serious threat and is recognized by the state of law.
Your life and your safety are most important. Trying to bring your children with you is important. Everything else is secondary.
Tags: Child custody, domestic violence, Violence and Abuse, Women, Women's shelter
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You may be scared of reporting the abusive incident, fearing that your husband or partner will find out and increase his brutality. However, there is hope. Help is available to a victim of abuse and there are agencies that will specifically cater to your emotional and legal needs. All you have to do is ask. It is likely to happen again so it is best to figure out what you have to do to survive.
If you are a victim of abuse and feel you are in danger from your abuser at any time or are already suffering from abuse, call 911 or your local police. The police have established a protocol for this type of abuse. HAVEN may be able to provide you with a cell phone that is programmed to only call 911. These phones are for when you need to call the police and cannot get to any other phone because the abuser has severed all communications at your home.
Consider the following:
If you are in danger when the police come, they can protect you.
They can help you and your children leave your home safely.
They can arrest your abuser when they have enough proof that you have been abused.
They can arrest your abuser if a personal protection order (PPO) has been violated.
When the police come, tell them everything the abuser did that made you call.
If you have been hit, tell the police where. Tell them how many times it happened. Show them any marks left on your body. Marks may take time to show up. If you see a mark after the police leave, call the police to take pictures of the marks. They may be used in court.
If your abuser has broken any property, show the police.
The police can give you information on domestic violence programs and shelters.
The police must make a report saying what happened to you. Police reports can be used in court if your abuser is charged with a crime.
Get the officers’ names, badge numbers, and the report number in case you need a copy of the report.
A police report can be used to help you get a PPO.
You may be confused or embarrassed of what you are going through but it is important to tell your family, friends and co-workers. If you are a victim of abuse, get support from friends and family. They can provide support and shelter for you and your children. If you are able to leave the abuser, it is best to stay with relatives as they can give you protection without causing more conflict with your partner.
It is understandable not wanting to leave the home that you built. It is not fair, neither is the abuse. You should not have to leave your home because of what your abuser has done. But sometimes, it is the only way you for you to be safe. If you are a victim of abuse, find a safe place. There are shelters that can help you move to a different city or state. HAVEN can put you in touch with them.
If you are a victim of abuse and have been physically hurt, get medical help, go to the hospital or your doctor. Domestic violence advocates (people to help you such as social services) may be called to the hospital. They are there to give you support and access to government agencies. You may ask medical staff to call one for you.
Medical records are important in court cases. They can also help you get a PPO. Give all the information about your injuries and who hurt you that you feel safe to give.
Special medical concerns:
Sometimes you may not even know you are hurt.
What seems like a small injury could be a big one.
If you are pregnant and you were hit in your stomach, tell the doctor. Many abusers hurt unborn children.
A victim of abuse can be in danger of closed head injuries. This is because their abusers often hit them in the head. If any of these things happen after a hit to the head, get medical care right away.
Memory loss.
Dizziness.
Problems with eyesight.
Throwing-up.
Headache that will not go away.
If you are a victim of abuse, get a personal protection order. It can protect you from being hit, threatened, harassed, or stalked by your abuser.
Lastly, make a safety plan. Plan what to do before or when you feel unsafe. If you are a victim of abuse, your safety is the most important thing.
Tags: domestic violence, victim of abuse, Violence and Abuse
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