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Personalized Safety Plan

November 11th, 2009

The most important thing is to keep you safe. Your safety should be your number one priority. Listed below are tips to develop a safety plan that will work best for you. The resources in this book can help you to create a personalized safety plan. This handbook has numerable resources thus giving you more options and alternatives. Nonetheless, they are all made available for you to get help fast.

There are instances when the abuser has totally incapacitated its victim in the figurative sense. The victim can be held as a prisoner at her own home without effective means of communication. HAVEN may be able to provide you with a cell phone that is programmed to only call 911. These phones are for when you need to call the police and cannot get to any other phone.

If you are in an abusive relationship, think about…

  1. Having important phone numbers nearby for you and your children. Better yet, memorize their contact numbers. Numbers to have are the police, hotlines, friends and the local shelter.
  2. Friends or neighbors you could tell about the abuse. Ask them to call the police if they hear angry or violent noises. If you have children, teach them how to dial 911. Make up a code word that you can use when you need help.
  3. Think of ways on how to get out of your home safely. Practice ways to get out. If children are involved, ask them to participate in the guise of having emergency drill exercises.
  4. Spot safer places in your home where there are exits and no weapons. If you feel abuse is going to happen try to get your abuser to one of these safer places.
  5. Any weapons in the house or any household tools that can be used as weapons. Think about ways that you could get them out of the house or try to move them in places with difficult access.
  6. Even if you do not plan to leave, think of where you could go and how you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house – taking out the trash, walking the pet or going to the store. Make a routine of things to do that will give you enough time to distance yourself from the abuser for good. Put together a bag of things you use everyday (see the checklist below). Hide it where it is easy for you to get.
  7. Go over your safety plan often. Check if there is anything amiss.

If you consider leaving your abuser, think about…

  1. Four places you could go if you leave your home. It is highly advisable for you to go to your family and extended relatives.
  2. People who will help and support you if you left. Think about people who will keep a bag for you and who might lend you money. Make plans for your pets. Leave them in shelters for the meantime.
  3. Keeping change for phone calls at all times. It is also wise to have enough cash for a cell phone.
  4. Opening a bank account or getting a credit card in your name.
  5. How you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house – taking out the trash, walking the family pet, or going to the store. Once this is has become routine, the abuser will not be dubious of your activities so you can make a run for it. Practice how you would leave.
  6. How you could take your children with you safely. It is highly probable that you are risking all of your lives. However, you need to protect yourself to be able to protect your children.
  7. Putting together a bag of everyday items. Hide it where it is easy for you to get. Also, choose a location that will not be noticed by the abuser.
  8. Review your safety plan often. There is no such thing as being over-prepared when your life and your children’s lives are at stake.

Items To Take, If Possible:

  • Children (if it is safe)
  • Money
  • Keys to car, house, work
  • Extra clothes
  • Medicine
  • Important papers for you and your children
  • Birth certificates
  • Social security cards
  • School and medical records
  • Bankbooks, credit cards
  • Driver’s license
  • Car registration
  • Welfare identification
  • Passports, green cards, work permits
  • Lease/rental agreement
  • Mortgage payment book, unpaid bills
  • Insurance papers
  • PPO, divorce papers, custody orders
  • Address book
  • Pictures, jewelry, things that mean a lot to you
  • Items for your children (toys, blankets, etc.)

If you have left your abuser, think about…

  1. Your safety – you still need to. The abuser is most likely to stalk you, even when you are in the comfort of your immediate family.
  2. Getting a cell phone. HAVEN may be able to provide you with a cell phone, programmed to only call 911. These cell phones are for emergencies and when you cannot get to any other phone.
  3. Getting a PPO from the court. Keep a copy with you all the time. Give a copy to the police, people who take care of your children, their schools and your boss.
  4. Changing the locks of your house and cars. Consider putting in stronger doors, smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, a security system and outside lights. Always set the alarm even if there are people at the house. You should also set a security alarm for the upper floors of your home.
  5. Telling friends and neighbors that your abuser no longer lives with you. Ask them to call the police if they see your abuser near your home or children.
  6. Telling people who take care of your children and the names of people who are allowed to pick them up. Talk to your children’s school principal about the situation. If you have a PPO protecting your children, give their teachers and babysitters a copy of it.
  7. Telling someone at work about what has happened. Ask that person to screen your calls. If you have a PPO that includes where you work, consider giving your boss a copy of it and a picture of the abuser. Your boss will advise the office security head about the abuse. Think about and practice a safety plan for your workplace including the time you leave for and from work.
  8. Not using the same stores or businesses that you did when you were with your abuser. It is highly possible for the abuser to wait for you at these familiar places.
  9. Someone that you can call if you feel down or upset. Call that person if you are thinking about going to a support group or workshop.
  10. Devise a safe way to speak with your abuser if you must. Choose locations where there are zero chances of you being alone with him.
  11. Go over your safety plan over and over.

Important Note: Abusers try to control their victim’s lives. When abusers feel a loss of control – like when victims try to leave them – the abuse often gets worse. Take special care when you leave. Abusers become desperate and this might take a fatal turn. Practice constant vigilance. Though you have left him, he will continually try to gain access to your life.

– adapted from the Metro Nashville Police Department’s personalized safety plan.

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October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month – Help Spread The Word!

October 1st, 2009

Nearly 25% of surveyed women and 8% of surveyed men said they were raped and/or physically assaulted by a current or former spouse, cohabiting partner, or date at some time in their lives. Domestic violence is wrong. It affects not only the direct victims, but their children and families as well.

Working together, men and women can change attitudes and perceptions about domestic violence. Let’s all work together to end the violence. Help spread the word!

Join Patti Austin's Blue Movement

If you or someone you know is being abused, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800–799–SAFE (7233) or 800–787–3224 (TTY).

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Signs Of An Abusive Relationship

August 24th, 2009

Knowing the signs of an abusive relationship is absolutely crucial in this day and age. No more can we afford to look the other way when the signs of abuse are there right in front of us. You never know who’ll be the next victim. Sometimes someone who seems strong and independently minded will turn out to put up with all kinds of abuse when the doors are closed. Maybe she (or he) will blame herself or tell herself that things are going to change. Maybe on some level she believed she doesn’t deserve any better. Nonetheless, as a friend you can help by spotting an abusive relationship before it is too late.

The signs of an abusive relationship vary with the age of the victim and the type of abuse. Signs of child abuse are actually comparatively easy to spot. You see, children are not quite as good at hiding things. When they are being abused, they usually want to tell you on some level. They will often have physical marks on their bodies with no good explanation of where they came from. Sometimes they’re quiet and withdrawn, or moody. Their parents may be overbearing or secretive, and keep them out of any extracurricular activities. These are just some of the most common about signs of childhood abuse.

Of course, with an adult abusive relationship, signs can be a little bit harder to spot. In my experience, one of the best telltale signs of an abusive relationship is the need of the victim to defend the abuser. On some level, victims always know when they’re being abused. When they jump to their abusers aid, they are not only trying to convince you that the abuse is not happening, but trying to convince themselves. They will be louder or more vociferous than the situation calls for. They may also try to excuse the abuse by giving all sorts of reasons for why it happened and claiming that it was a one-time thing.

The signs of emotional abuse are a little bit less clear. One of the biggest problems is that there is no good definition of where emotional abuse begins. Generally, it is all subjective. An emotionally abusive relationship is one where one person feels berated, excessively criticized, and put upon. The bullying can sometimes get very intense and lead to serious depression, making this every bit as crucial to spot as any other kind of abuse. Unfortunately, however, it is more difficult to spot.

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Domestic Violence: Definition

July 3rd, 2009

Domestic violence is the behavior used by one person in a relationship to control the other. This form of abuse occurs to both married and unmarried couples. It also occurs to individuals outside the relationship, such as the children. It is not limited to physical abuse. Although emotional instability could stem from the physical beatings, emotional abuse alone counts as domestic violence. Now recognized as an anti-social illness, it can be found in all kinds or relationships- heterosexual, gay, lesbian, living together, separated or dating.

Examples of abuse include:

  • name-calling or put-downs
  • keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends
  • withholding money
  • stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job
  • actual or threatened physical harm
  • sexual assault
  • stalking
  • intimidation

Domestic violence can be criminal. It being the leading cause of injury to women aged 15 and above, this sort of violence can result to one’s death. Domestic violence includes physical assault, sexual abuse and stalking. Hitting, pushing and shoving are some examples of physical assaults. Sexual abuse is defined as unwanted or forced sexual activity. Under the legal system, forcing one’s wife to any sexual activity is considered as marital rape. Stalking is an invasion of privacy, of one’s personal space. Being pursued stealthily puts you in a vulnerable state, open to the pursuer’s erratic behavior. Therefore, stalking is a crime. It is deterrent to the whole being of the victim. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuses are not criminal behaviors, they are forms of abuse that can lead to criminal violence.

Like evil itself, the violence takes many forms. It can happen all the time or once in a while. An important step to help yourself or someone you know in preventing or stopping violence is by recognizing the warning signs listed on the “Violence Wheel.” The Violence Wheel is an informative guide in determining whether or not you are being abused. Sure, there are alarm bells sounding off when you are being mistreated. However, fear or blind love causes you to ignore them. Why is it important to know the warning signs? Awareness of the signs is deemed important because it helps you to “diagnose” the current state of your relationship. Sometimes, women think it is normal for men to lose control and hurt them physically and verbally. By knowing the signs, you are able to determine where to draw the line and to prevent further abuse. If you are already being abused, it will help you deepen your resolve to stop the abuse. Acknowledging the fact that you are being abused is the first active step towards freedom.

ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM! It is difficult to admit to yourself that you are a victim, that you have been victimized. It hurts your body, your pride, your ego. Being a victim should not be downplayed. You can only be a victim if you do not speak up and fight for your rights. Victims of domestic violence can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Both men and women can be abused though most reported victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Most children cannot handle the situation better than you do. Even if your child is not physically harmed, witnessing a parent assault the other causes suffering. Raising a child in a violent environment affects their emotional and social behavior. They may even adapt the violent behavior, lead to believe that it is a normal and rational concept.

If you are in an abusive relationship or know someone who is being abused, REMEMBER that:

1. You are not alone.
2. It is not your fault.
3. Help is available and within your reach.

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Domestic Violence: Questions About Leaving

June 26th, 2009

Victims of domestic violence eventually develop their own tactics to survive. They develop ways to cope and live with the abuse. For them to manage the maltreatment, most victims will deny the occurrence of violence. Some will water it down so it will be easier for them to accept. To deaden the pain, some victims resort to drugs and alcohol. Some take full responsibility for their partner’s abusive behavior. This response is usually egged on by the abuser since once of his manipulative tactics is to blame the victim for provoking him.

There are many other factors on why victims stay in an abusive relationship. It may be the result of an upbringing with rigid religious and cultural constraints. Whatever the reason, it will never validate the existence of an abusive environment. It seems irrational to choose to live with violence but that choice is usually grounded on fear of what happens when and after they leave.

Can I take my children with me when I leave?

  • Yes, you can absolutely take your children with you only if you can do it safely. It may be more difficult later for you to protect them when you have already distanced yourself from the abuser.
  • Get legal custody of them within a few days. This is of the utmost importance. Many of the groups listed in this book may help you find assistance.
  • If you do not have your children with you, it may be difficult filing for temporary custody of your children. The parent who has physical possession of the children may and usually have an advantage of getting temporary custody. As mentioned previously in this handbook, include your children in your safety plan to avoid unnecessary loopholes.
  • Your partner may try to kidnap, threaten or harm the children in order to get you to return. It is important to warn your children’s school of who are allowed to pick them up. Inform your neighbors as well that you have already left the abuser and no longer share accommodations with him.
  • If you are in immediate danger and cannot take your children, contact the police immediately to arrange for temporary protective custody. (This does not mean you will lose custody. Permanent custody will be decided later by a judge).

Where do I go?

  • Stay with a friend or relatives. Now, the abuser will most likely look for you at your family’s home. It is essential for your survival to go to a relative that wholly supports your decision to leave.
  • If you are a woman, do not stay with a man unless he is a relative. Living with a man you are not married to could hurt your chances of getting custody of your children and spousal support. The abuser’s legal adviser can use this as an argument at court. It could also cause conflict with your abuser. Living with a man will further infuriate the abuser and will cause severe retaliation.
  • Go to a battered women’s shelter with your children. The staff there can help you get legal and financial help as well as provide counseling and emotional support for you and your children.
  • Call 911 because it is a good start. The police now have established protocols for domestic abuse calls and will fairly enforce the law against the said violence. Domestic violence is now considered as a serious threat and is recognized by the state of law.

Your life and your safety are most important. Trying to bring your children with you is important. Everything else is secondary.

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What Can A Victim Of Abuse Do To Be Safe?

June 19th, 2009

You may be scared of reporting the abusive incident, fearing that your husband or partner will find out and increase his brutality. However, there is hope. Help is available to a victim of abuse and there are agencies that will specifically cater to your emotional and legal needs. All you have to do is ask. It is likely to happen again so it is best to figure out what you have to do to survive.

If you are a victim of abuse and feel you are in danger from your abuser at any time or are already suffering from abuse, call 911 or your local police. The police have established a protocol for this type of abuse. HAVEN may be able to provide you with a cell phone that is programmed to only call 911. These phones are for when you need to call the police and cannot get to any other phone because the abuser has severed all communications at your home.

Consider the following:

  • If you are in danger when the police come, they can protect you.
  • They can help you and your children leave your home safely.
  • They can arrest your abuser when they have enough proof that you have been abused.
  • They can arrest your abuser if a personal protection order (PPO) has been violated.
  • When the police come, tell them everything the abuser did that made you call.
  • If you have been hit, tell the police where. Tell them how many times it happened. Show them any marks left on your body. Marks may take time to show up. If you see a mark after the police leave, call the police to take pictures of the marks. They may be used in court.
  • If your abuser has broken any property, show the police.
  • The police can give you information on domestic violence programs and shelters.
  • The police must make a report saying what happened to you. Police reports can be used in court if your abuser is charged with a crime.
  • Get the officers’ names, badge numbers, and the report number in case you need a copy of the report.
  • A police report can be used to help you get a PPO.

    • You may be confused or embarrassed of what you are going through but it is important to tell your family, friends and co-workers. If you are a victim of abuse, get support from friends and family. They can provide support and shelter for you and your children. If you are able to leave the abuser, it is best to stay with relatives as they can give you protection without causing more conflict with your partner.

    It is understandable not wanting to leave the home that you built. It is not fair, neither is the abuse. You should not have to leave your home because of what your abuser has done. But sometimes, it is the only way you for you to be safe. If you are a victim of abuse, find a safe place. There are shelters that can help you move to a different city or state. HAVEN can put you in touch with them.

    If you are a victim of abuse and have been physically hurt, get medical help, go to the hospital or your doctor. Domestic violence advocates (people to help you such as social services) may be called to the hospital. They are there to give you support and access to government agencies. You may ask medical staff to call one for you.

    Medical records are important in court cases. They can also help you get a PPO. Give all the information about your injuries and who hurt you that you feel safe to give.

    Special medical concerns:

  • Sometimes you may not even know you are hurt.
  • What seems like a small injury could be a big one.
  • If you are pregnant and you were hit in your stomach, tell the doctor. Many abusers hurt unborn children.
  • A victim of abuse can be in danger of closed head injuries. This is because their abusers often hit them in the head. If any of these things happen after a hit to the head, get medical care right away.
  • Memory loss.
  • Dizziness.
  • Problems with eyesight.
  • Throwing-up.
  • Headache that will not go away.

    • If you are a victim of abuse, get a personal protection order.  It can protect you from being hit, threatened, harassed, or stalked by your abuser.

    Lastly, make a safety plan. Plan what to do before or when you feel unsafe. If you are a victim of abuse, your safety is the most important thing.

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    Myths About Domestic Violence And Why They Are Wrong

    June 4th, 2009

    Domestic violence is not a problem in my community.
    Michigan State Police records from 1997 show that a woman is killed by a partner or former partner about once a week in Michigan. Domestic violence often leads to homicide. In 1998, the Michigan State Police reported more than 5,000 victims of domestic violence in Oakland County. It has been estimated by the Federal Bureau of Investigation that a woman is being beaten every 15 seconds.

    Domestic violence only happens to poor women and women of color.
    Domestic violence happens in all kinds of families and relationships. Persons of any class, culture, religion, sexual orientation, marital status, age, and sex can be victims or perpetrators of domestic violence. Acquiring a high quality of education does not exempt a person from domestic violence. Demographics play a small role in determining the capacity of a person in hurting another. Anyone can be violent. Anyone can be a victim.

    Some people deserve to be hit.
    No one deserves to be abused. Period. The only person responsible for the abuse is the abuser. The abuser is the only one who has the ability to stop the abuse. There is no such thing as “I provoked him to abuse me”. It is a mentality that should be avoided and stopped. Provoking your partner does not give him a valid reason to actually hit you. Physical violence, even among family members, is wrong. There are no excuses for it. It is unacceptable, even in patriarchal societies. Physical violence is punishable by law.

    Alcohol, drug abuse, stress, and mental illness cause domestic violence.
    Alcohol use, drug use, and stress do not cause domestic violence; they may go along with domestic violence, but they do not cause the violence. Abusers often say they use these excuses for their violence — (Michigan Judicial Institute, Domestic Violence Benchbook, 1998, p. 1.6 – 1.7). Generally, domestic violence happens when an abuser has learned and chooses to abuse – (Michigan Judicial Institute, Domestic Violence Benchbook, 1998, p. 1 – 5). Domestic violence is rarely caused by mental illness, but it is often used as an excuse for domestic violence — (Michigan Judicial Institute, Domestic Violence Benchbook, 1998, p. 1 – 8 ).

    Domestic violence is a personal problem between a husband and a wife.
    Domestic violence affects everyone. It affects the community you move around in for human beings are interconnected. An abused person cannot contribute in a positive way to her/ his work or community if she is under a great deal of emotional stress. An abusive person cannot strive to live harmoniously with his spouse, more so with people outside his home. About 1 in 3 American women have been physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives — (Commonwealth Fund, Health Concerns Across a Woman’s Lifespan: the Commonwealth Fund 1998 Survey of Women’s Health, 1999). In 1996, 30% of all female murder victims were killed by their husbands or boyfriends – (Federal Bureau of Investigation, 1997). 40% to 60% of men who abuse women also abuse children – (American Psychological Association, Violence and the Family, 1996).

    If it was that bad, she would just leave.
    There are many reasons why women may not leave. She may not have enough financial resources to live away from her spouse. She may not have a place to live in. She may not have enough support from her own family or the legal system. Not leaving an abusive relationship does not mean that the situation is okay or that the victim wants to be abused. Leaving can be dangerous. The most dangerous time for a woman who is being abused is when she tries to leave — (United States Department of Justice, National Crime Victim Survey, 1995).

    Now, here’s the truth… MANY VICTIMS DO LEAVE AND LEAD SUCCESSFUL, VIOLENCE-FREE LIVES.

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    Who Are The Abusers? — They Aren’t Easy To Spot

    May 28th, 2009

    There are no flashing signs saying, “Stay away from this person”. There is no ‘typical’ abuser. In public, they may appear friendly and loving to their partner and family. At close quarters, this is the time when they abuse their partners and children. They also try to hide the abuse by causing injuries that can be hidden and do not need a doctor. They can also make you wear clothing that will cover the bruises.

    Abuse is not an accident. It is a conscious decision of the person to hurt his or her partner. It does not happen because someone was stressed-out due to work, pushed to his limits, drinking alcohol, or using recreational drugs. Abuse is an intentional act that one person uses in a relationship to control the other. Abusers have learned to abuse so that they can get what they want, no matter what the cost is. The abuse may be physical, sexual, emotional, and psychological. Nevertheless, the abuse is damaging to your mind and body’s health.

    Abusers often have low self-esteem. They feel better about themselves when they are able to control someone. It gives them a false sense of power and might. They do not take responsibility for their actions. They are very immature. They may even blame the victim for causing the violence. In most cases, men abuse female victims. It is important to remember that women can also be abusers and men can be victims.

    Abusers have different backgrounds, different experiences that made them who they are. Abusers are similar in only one aspect, that is, their choice of controlling their “loved one” in whatever means. There are many tactics used by abusers. He can be manipulative in the sense that he distorts his controlling behavior and pass it off as concern. He may reason that he is controlling because you are not a good decision maker. He controls all of the finances so you cannot move freely as you please.

    The abuser may have unrealistic expectations from his wife or children. He may expect them to perform in a certain manner and if they do not, it is deemed acceptable for him to punish them severely. The abuser may also be an excessively jealous person. He gets jealous of everyone, even her own family. He demands all of her time and demands her to break all ties. He accuses her family and friends of being a menace to their relationship.

    The abuser blames everyone but himself. He blames his victim for his own faults. His victim is made to be a convenient scapegoat for all of his inadequacies. He believes himself to be superior and expects his partner to be submissive, more so in bed. He can force sexual activity and may assault you physically until his desire is satisfied. He shows little concern for the victim. He can force sexual intercourse with his victim even if she is sick or tired. Some abusers even force their partners to have sex even after they have just given birth.

    They hurt and degrade you by using foul language. They belittle you in front of your friends, family and children. He may think that you are stupid, that the sole purpose of women is to serve their husbands. He may expect you to serve three meals a day and to clean his house and satisfy him at night, nothing more. He may threaten to take your kids away from you or threaten to hit you with a baseball bat to get what he wants.

    These are just some of the tactics done by abusers. If you are being abused, put an end to it. You do not deserve the abuse. NO ONE DOES.

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