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Myths About Domestic Violence And Why They Are Wrong

June 4th, 2009

Domestic violence is not a problem in my community.
Michigan State Police records from 1997 show that a woman is killed by a partner or former partner about once a week in Michigan. Domestic violence often leads to homicide. In 1998, the Michigan State Police reported more than 5,000 victims of domestic violence in Oakland County. It has been estimated by the Federal Bureau of Investigation that a woman is being beaten every 15 seconds.

Domestic violence only happens to poor women and women of color.
Domestic violence happens in all kinds of families and relationships. Persons of any class, culture, religion, sexual orientation, marital status, age, and sex can be victims or perpetrators of domestic violence. Acquiring a high quality of education does not exempt a person from domestic violence. Demographics play a small role in determining the capacity of a person in hurting another. Anyone can be violent. Anyone can be a victim.

Some people deserve to be hit.
No one deserves to be abused. Period. The only person responsible for the abuse is the abuser. The abuser is the only one who has the ability to stop the abuse. There is no such thing as “I provoked him to abuse me”. It is a mentality that should be avoided and stopped. Provoking your partner does not give him a valid reason to actually hit you. Physical violence, even among family members, is wrong. There are no excuses for it. It is unacceptable, even in patriarchal societies. Physical violence is punishable by law.

Alcohol, drug abuse, stress, and mental illness cause domestic violence.
Alcohol use, drug use, and stress do not cause domestic violence; they may go along with domestic violence, but they do not cause the violence. Abusers often say they use these excuses for their violence — (Michigan Judicial Institute, Domestic Violence Benchbook, 1998, p. 1.6 – 1.7). Generally, domestic violence happens when an abuser has learned and chooses to abuse – (Michigan Judicial Institute, Domestic Violence Benchbook, 1998, p. 1 – 5). Domestic violence is rarely caused by mental illness, but it is often used as an excuse for domestic violence — (Michigan Judicial Institute, Domestic Violence Benchbook, 1998, p. 1 – 8 ).

Domestic violence is a personal problem between a husband and a wife.
Domestic violence affects everyone. It affects the community you move around in for human beings are interconnected. An abused person cannot contribute in a positive way to her/ his work or community if she is under a great deal of emotional stress. An abusive person cannot strive to live harmoniously with his spouse, more so with people outside his home. About 1 in 3 American women have been physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives — (Commonwealth Fund, Health Concerns Across a Woman’s Lifespan: the Commonwealth Fund 1998 Survey of Women’s Health, 1999). In 1996, 30% of all female murder victims were killed by their husbands or boyfriends – (Federal Bureau of Investigation, 1997). 40% to 60% of men who abuse women also abuse children – (American Psychological Association, Violence and the Family, 1996).

If it was that bad, she would just leave.
There are many reasons why women may not leave. She may not have enough financial resources to live away from her spouse. She may not have a place to live in. She may not have enough support from her own family or the legal system. Not leaving an abusive relationship does not mean that the situation is okay or that the victim wants to be abused. Leaving can be dangerous. The most dangerous time for a woman who is being abused is when she tries to leave — (United States Department of Justice, National Crime Victim Survey, 1995).

Now, here’s the truth… MANY VICTIMS DO LEAVE AND LEAD SUCCESSFUL, VIOLENCE-FREE LIVES.

Who Are The Abusers? — They Aren’t Easy To Spot

May 28th, 2009

There are no flashing signs saying, “Stay away from this person”. There is no ‘typical’ abuser. In public, they may appear friendly and loving to their partner and family. At close quarters, this is the time when they abuse their partners and children. They also try to hide the abuse by causing injuries that can be hidden and do not need a doctor. They can also make you wear clothing that will cover the bruises.

Abuse is not an accident. It is a conscious decision of the person to hurt his or her partner. It does not happen because someone was stressed-out due to work, pushed to his limits, drinking alcohol, or using recreational drugs. Abuse is an intentional act that one person uses in a relationship to control the other. Abusers have learned to abuse so that they can get what they want, no matter what the cost is. The abuse may be physical, sexual, emotional, and psychological. Nevertheless, the abuse is damaging to your mind and body’s health.

Abusers often have low self-esteem. They feel better about themselves when they are able to control someone. It gives them a false sense of power and might. They do not take responsibility for their actions. They are very immature. They may even blame the victim for causing the violence. In most cases, men abuse female victims. It is important to remember that women can also be abusers and men can be victims.

Abusers have different backgrounds, different experiences that made them who they are. Abusers are similar in only one aspect, that is, their choice of controlling their “loved one” in whatever means. There are many tactics used by abusers. He can be manipulative in the sense that he distorts his controlling behavior and pass it off as concern. He may reason that he is controlling because you are not a good decision maker. He controls all of the finances so you cannot move freely as you please.

The abuser may have unrealistic expectations from his wife or children. He may expect them to perform in a certain manner and if they do not, it is deemed acceptable for him to punish them severely. The abuser may also be an excessively jealous person. He gets jealous of everyone, even her own family. He demands all of her time and demands her to break all ties. He accuses her family and friends of being a menace to their relationship.

The abuser blames everyone but himself. He blames his victim for his own faults. His victim is made to be a convenient scapegoat for all of his inadequacies. He believes himself to be superior and expects his partner to be submissive, more so in bed. He can force sexual activity and may assault you physically until his desire is satisfied. He shows little concern for the victim. He can force sexual intercourse with his victim even if she is sick or tired. Some abusers even force their partners to have sex even after they have just given birth.

They hurt and degrade you by using foul language. They belittle you in front of your friends, family and children. He may think that you are stupid, that the sole purpose of women is to serve their husbands. He may expect you to serve three meals a day and to clean his house and satisfy him at night, nothing more. He may threaten to take your kids away from you or threaten to hit you with a baseball bat to get what he wants.

These are just some of the tactics done by abusers. If you are being abused, put an end to it. You do not deserve the abuse. NO ONE DOES.

The Victims of Domestic Violence

May 7th, 2009

Anyone can be a victim! Anyone can be a prey! Victims can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Both men and women can be abused but most victims are women, and most perpetrators are men. Children living in homes where domestic violence resides are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes are aware of the violence. Even if the child is not physically harmed, he or she may incur emotional and behavior problems due to the said violence.

A person of color. You may be afraid of discrimination. You may be afraid of being blamed for going out of your community for help. You may feel hopeless because of the stigma that domestic violence happens only to women of color. Therefore, you will not receive any help.

A lesbian, gay, or transgendered person. You may be afraid of having people know about your sexual orientation. You may be afraid of prejudice. You may think that the law does not acknowledge homosexual relationships.

A physically or mentally challenged or elderly. You may depend on your abuser to care for you. You may not have other people to help you. You may believe that you deserve the abuse because you are somewhat a burden to your partner.

A male victim of abuse. You may be ashamed and scared that no one will believe you. You may be afraid that people will think less of you and undermine your manhood.

A person from another country. You may be afraid of being deported. You may be afraid of not being treated fairly in courts.

If your religion makes it hard to get help. You may feel like you have to stay and not break up the family. You may believe that it is a sin in the eyes of God to leave your partner. You may think that by forgiving your abuser will help him change.

A teen. If you are a teen, you could be at risk if you are dating someone who: is very jealous and/or spies on you like breaking into your e-mail account and mobile messages; will not let you end the relationship or break up with him; hurts you in any way, is violent, or brags about hurting and bossing other people around; puts you down or makes you feel bad about having your own life; forces you to have sex or makes you afraid to say no to sex; abuses drugs or alcohol; pressures you to use drugs or alcohol; has a history of bad relationships and blames it on their exes.

It is very difficult for teens to leave their abuser if they attend the same school. They cannot hide from them or avoid them. Gay and lesbian teens are very isolated. They can be more scared of having their sexual orientation known, rather than the fact that they are being abused.

If you think you are being abused, think about getting help. THERE IS HELP. If your family or friends warn you about the person you are dating, think about getting help. AND ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ASK. Tell friends, family members or anybody you can trust. Their perspective on your relationship may be more accurate than what you perceive it to be. There is help for you. You do not have to suffer in silence.

A child in a violent home. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Parents may think children do not know about the violence, merely because they are not in the same room when it happens. Children often know what happened. They do not have to be eyewitnesses per se. They may hear the pounding and screaming. They may feel the tension between you and your husband. Sometimes, they blame their selves for the violence. Children living with violence are helpless, scared and upset.

Violence in the home is dangerous for children. Scary noises, yelling and hitting is not an acceptable environment for raising a child. They are afraid for their parents and themselves. They fear of being taken away to live in homes or shelters. Children feel bad and small for they cannot stop the abuse. If they try to stop the fight, they are putting themselves in harm’s way. They can get hit by things that are thrown or weapons that are used. Children are equally damaged by domestic violence, just by seeing and hearing the violence.

Children in violent homes may not get the utmost care they need. A parent who is being abused may be in too much pain to cater to their child’s needs.

Children who live in violent homes can have various problems such as an inability to sleep and to interact with others. They often feel sad and scared all the time. They may grow up feeling bad about themselves for not being able to stop the abuse. These problems do not go away on their own accord. They can be deeply ingrained in the child’s psyche.

There is help for children in violent homes. They can also help if you grew up in a violent home.

If you are being stalked. Stalking is repeated harassment that makes you feel like a prisoner of fear. A stalker can be someone you are acquainted with or a complete stranger. They often bother people by giving them unwanted attention. This can take the form of phone calls or gifts, or following people by going to where they work or live. This is a threat not only to you, but to your family as well.

Stalking is a crime. People may think stalking is not dangerous because no one has been physically hurt. Stalking is serious crime and is punishable by law. Stalking often turns to physical violence. Put a stop to it before it does.

There is help. Find out how to get a Personal Protection Order (PPO). It is wise to inform the police. You can make a case by keeping track of what the stalker does by: telling the police every time the stalker makes contact with you; keeping a book with you at all times so that you can write down the stalkers contacts; saving phone messages from the stalker; saving letters and gifts from the stalker; and writing down information about the stalker, like the way they look, kind of car they drive and license plate number.

For more information about how to get help, call Common Ground Sanctuary: Toll Free 248.456.0909, 800.231.1127 or HAVEN: Toll Free 248.334.1274, 877.922.1274.

Domestic Violence: An Introduction

April 24th, 2009

Marriage, romanticism aside, is a legal contract entered by two individuals whom have decided to share their lives together. Two adults, who both rely on the same human rights code and legal system, should have an equal say with regard to their family life. The vows exchanged by the couple are bound to be tested. “To love and to hold, for better or for worse.” What is the worst thing that can happen? What if he shames you in public? What if he threatens to beat you up and does it eventually? The worst thing that can happen in a marriage or any relationship for that matter is self-degradation. One losing sight of who she is, of her worth, due to the abuse inflicted by a spouse or partner.

Marriage is by no means, a way to control or manipulate the other person’s choices and finances. It is not an entitlement to the male, to put his self above her physically or mentally. It is not your duty as a wife to be submissive to every sexual whim, nor to be a punching bag after a drunken night.

Domestic violence is not limited to physical abuse. The violence inflicted verbally can do the same damage as a slap in the face. Though physical abuse holds more weight in terms of proving domestic violence, the emotional state incurred from such abuse demands more consideration. No one should live in fear of her own life, or her children’s lives. Domestic violence does not only occur in the realms of marriage. It can also happen to those who have committed themselves in sharing the same roof.

Domestic violence will always be frowned upon, though sometimes you think you or somebody else deserves it. Domestic violence should not happen to anybody. Not to you, to your sister, to your best friend, or even to your male colleague. It does not matter how often it occurs or how grave the violent act is. Domestic violence should never be tolerated. Ever.

But happen it does. Domestic violence knows no boundaries. It surpasses social classes and culture. It even happens to intelligent individuals. The good news to this tragic human violation of rights is that there is help. There is a viable solution to save yourself or someone you know. Maybe you have lived with abuse for a number of years. Maybe it happens sporadically. Maybe it just happened when your husband was laid off work. Maybe your co-worker is being abused by her life partner. Maybe your neighbor is being abused right now. Whoever you are, be the victim of abuse or a witness to domestic violence, there’s a way to cope up and how to get to the proper channels for help and recovery from abuse.

In 1994, 1995, and again in 2000, Michigan changed the laws that deal with domestic violence to make it easier for the victims of abuse to get protection through the legal system. Many organizations have the information to help you get support, not only in the physical aspect of domestic violence but in your mental and emotional state as well. Your safety is their first concern. They do have an effective plan to safely remove one person from domestic abuse.

Those organizations promote awareness regarding domestic violence and the constructive steps to free oneself from the said abuse. You just need to remember two things: first, abuse is never acceptable; second, you are not alone. Help is yours for the asking.

Domestic Violence Against Men: Men Are Victims Too

April 16th, 2009

You may know that there are many women out there living in violent relationships. Many of them choose to stay for reasons that only make sense to them. What you may not know is that there are some men who stay in the very same types of relationships. You may think a man would be strong enough to get away and not worried about what a woman would do to them, but you would be wrong. These men live under the same fear as women in the same situation, and they may also think that they have no alternative but to stay where they are. Domestic violence against men is not as common in the media, but it happens all of the time.

Not all men are as secure about who they are, they have so many insecurities that fall them victim to domestic violence against men. Oftentimes they think they are madly in love with their partner that they cannot bear to leave. Or even worse is that the woman has convinced a man that no one else would ever want him. This is not the strong and dependable man women always think talking about their men in their lives, right? Especially when we think of them as someone we can rely on to care for us when we cannot take care of ourselves… someone we can count on when the going gets tough. But this does happen, really.

Come to think of this one… how many times have you seen a man on TV complaining about him being a victim of domestic violence? One, two, perhaps none at all. There are many reasons why we haven’t seen or heard about them, here’s some. Men feel deeply ashamed if anyone knew his wife was abusive towards him. Men are also ashamed for others to know that their woman have so much power over them. Or simply, because they don’t want anyone to know. They are ashamed to talk about it, even when they manage to get away.

Domestically abused husbands, just like domestically abused wives, should ask for help and let themselves be heard. Domestic violence is a vicious cycle, and victims of this cycle couldn’t be saved, unless the victims themselves take necessary actions to stop it. There are many great resources, organizations and people willing to help victims of domestic violence. The victim must take the first action step… seek help that is.

The Never Ending Cycle of Domestic Violence

March 23rd, 2009

Domestic violence is a serious problem across the nation. Every abuser follows a similar trend outlined in the cycle of domestic violence and those that are abused tend to become trapped in each of the event’s psychological elements. Many outside parties advise to end the domestic violence by leaving the situation and that advice, although great, isn’t easy to take when involved so intimately in the situation yourself. If you are a victim, understanding this cycle may help you break the cycle.

The cycle of domestic violence goes from the Incident, to Tension Building, to Making Up to Calming and back around again all to gain power and control. There are so many different methods of abuse that each victim’s situation is unique and delicate. Perhaps the victim has been isolated by the abuser. They feel alone and have no where to turn so they believe they must stay in their current situation. Victims may feel like the abuse is less harsh than facing life alone. Over time isolation results in the abuser maintaing complete control over every contact the victim makes with the outside world, even including what the victim reads or watches on television so her only influence on life is her abuser. This isolation can be intensified when the victim has no money or resources. Many abusers control all the finances so any amount of money spent must be approved by the abuser. Suffering from constant put downs makes a victim feel weak and helpless even when he or she is not. An abuser wants to make their victim feel guilty for any actions that are not approved of and wants the victim to think that this is acceptable behavior and thinking otherwise makes the victim crazy. Some abusers try to use the old fashioned relationship of women remaining home and under the control of the man as a legit reason to treat her like the household servant. These are just a few of many ways abuse occurs over and over and deman our immediate attention. The cycle of domestic violence has been studied by professionals and recognized as a very serious problem.

The key to understanding the cycle of domestic violence is that it is never ending. Abusers will always abuse. No apology is ever sincere if it is followed with another incident. No gift ever replaces your pride or dignity. No promise will heal your marks and bruises. Physical abuse is just one element of the many behaviors that constitute abuse. Understanding the behaviors may shed some light on knowing what an unhealthy relationship consists of.

Please join me to end domestic violence.

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