Patti Austin Official Website

Personalized Safety Plan

November 11th, 2009

The most important thing is to keep you safe. Your safety should be your number one priority. Listed below are tips to develop a safety plan that will work best for you. The resources in this book can help you to create a personalized safety plan. This handbook has numerable resources thus giving you more options and alternatives. Nonetheless, they are all made available for you to get help fast.

There are instances when the abuser has totally incapacitated its victim in the figurative sense. The victim can be held as a prisoner at her own home without effective means of communication. HAVEN may be able to provide you with a cell phone that is programmed to only call 911. These phones are for when you need to call the police and cannot get to any other phone.

If you are in an abusive relationship, think about…

Having important phone numbers nearby for you and your children. Better yet, memorize their contact numbers. Numbers to have are the police, hotlines, friends and the local shelter.
Friends or neighbors you could tell about the abuse. Ask them to call the police if they hear angry or violent noises. If you have children, teach them how to dial 911. Make up a code word that you can use when you need help.
Think of ways on how to get out of your home safely. Practice ways to get out. If children are involved, ask them to participate in the guise of having emergency drill exercises.
Spot safer places in your home where there are exits and no weapons. If you feel abuse is going to happen try to get your abuser to one of these safer places.
Any weapons in the house or any household tools that can be used as weapons. Think about ways that you could get them out of the house or try to move them in places with difficult access.
Even if you do not plan to leave, think of where you could go and how you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house – taking out the trash, walking the pet or going to the store. Make a routine of things to do that will give you enough time to distance yourself from the abuser for good. Put together a bag of things you use everyday (see the checklist below). Hide it where it is easy for you to get.
Go over your safety plan often. Check if there is anything amiss.

If you consider leaving your abuser, think about…

Four places you could go if you leave your home. It is highly advisable for you to go to your family and extended relatives.
People who will help and support you if you left. Think about people who will keep a bag for you and who might lend you money. Make plans for your pets. Leave them in shelters for the meantime.
Keeping change for phone calls at all times. It is also wise to have enough cash for a cell phone.
Opening a bank account or getting a credit card in your name.
How you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house – taking out the trash, walking the family pet, or going to the store. Once this is has become routine, the abuser will not be dubious of your activities so you can make a run for it. Practice how you would leave.
How you could take your children with you safely. It is highly probable that you are risking all of your lives. However, you need to protect yourself to be able to protect your children.
Putting together a bag of everyday items. Hide it where it is easy for you to get. Also, choose a location that will not be noticed by the abuser.
Review your safety plan often. There is no such thing as being over-prepared when your life and your children’s lives are at stake.

Items To Take, If Possible:

Children (if it is safe)

Money

Keys to car, house, work

Extra clothes

Medicine

Important papers for you and your children

Birth certificates

Social security cards

School and medical records

Bankbooks, credit cards

Driver’s license

Car registration

Welfare identification

Passports, green cards, work permits

Lease/rental agreement

Mortgage payment book, unpaid bills

Insurance papers

PPO, divorce papers, custody orders

Address book

Pictures, jewelry, things that mean a lot to you

Items for your children (toys, blankets, etc.)

If you have left your abuser, think about…

Your safety – you still need to. The abuser is most likely to stalk you, even when you are in the comfort of your immediate family.
Getting a cell phone. HAVEN may be able to provide you with a cell phone, programmed to only call 911. These cell phones are for emergencies and when you cannot get to any other phone.
Getting a PPO from the court. Keep a copy with you all the time. Give a copy to the police, people who take care of your children, their schools and your boss.
Changing the locks of your house and cars. Consider putting in stronger doors, smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, a security system and outside lights. Always set the alarm even if there are people at the house. You should also set a security alarm for the upper floors of your home.
Telling friends and neighbors that your abuser no longer lives with you. Ask them to call the police if they see your abuser near your home or children.
Telling people who take care of your children and the names of people who are allowed to pick them up. Talk to your children’s school principal about the situation. If you have a PPO protecting your children, give their teachers and babysitters a copy of it.
Telling someone at work about what has happened. Ask that person to screen your calls. If you have a PPO that includes where you work, consider giving your boss a copy of it and a picture of the abuser. Your boss will advise the office security head about the abuse. Think about and practice a safety plan for your workplace including the time you leave for and from work.
Not using the same stores or businesses that you did when you were with your abuser. It is highly possible for the abuser to wait for you at these familiar places.
Someone that you can call if you feel down or upset. Call that person if you are thinking about going to a support group or workshop.
Devise a safe way to speak with your abuser if you must. Choose locations where there are zero chances of you being alone with him.
Go over your safety plan over and over.

Important Note: Abusers try to control their victim’s lives. When abusers feel a loss of control – like when victims try to leave them – the abuse often gets worse. Take special care when you leave. Abusers become desperate and this might take a fatal turn. Practice constant vigilance. Though you have left him, he will continually try to gain access to your life.

– adapted from the Metro Nashville Police Department’s personalized safety plan.

Managing Your Singing Career

October 29th, 2009

Your singing career is one of the toughest things to manage these days. It used to be pretty straightforward and easy. Easy? You know … write up a few lyrics, get a band together, go to a studio to record it, find a label to represent and promote you, hire an agent to find you gigs, market and distribute your music, encourage the radio stations to play your tunes and BAM! You’re an instant success … lots of sales. Hmm … not so fast, Tonto! It really wasn’t that easy after all.

These days in the world of the Internet, it almost seems downright right brain dead easy … turn on your computer, flip on a mic, record and upload it to YouTube. Whamo! Friends, fans, followers … and all of those great new social networks are at your beck and call. But, hold on! There are some 300 million websites on the World Wide Web. And, even more web pages on each of these websites. It’s basically the World Wide Noisy Web … too many tunes to choose from and too many things “screaming” for your attention.

Managing a singing career is even more difficult these days. The music labels are all but gone and those that ARE still around are trying to figure out themselves how to stay relevant and in business. The game shift is something akin to shopping at Home Depot. Yes, the DIY, Do It Yourself mentality. The few musicians who have figured out how to use the Internet to their advantage are not only eking out a living, but thriving.

But, first things first. If you are an aspiring professional singer, you need to learn professional techniques on how to sing. There are plenty of lessons that we can all learn and expand from. But, getting some tried and true secrets is a great first step.

The follow up lessons that one needs to learn really have to do with managing your singing career. They include how to run the “business” of singing. Unfortunately, the phrase “struggling artist” is all too true for probably 90% of aspiring musicians. Why? Because most of us just love music and singing. Business is a dirty word. However, it is all the more important now than it ever was. Competition for “limited” ears is at an all time high.

Those of you who want a long time singing career … listen up! Take control of your own artistic and financial destiny. Learn the business of a singing career, including how to utilize the tools of Internet marketing and social networks. You’ll be happy you did.

Personal Protection Orders – PPO’s

September 14th, 2009

What is a Personal Protection Order?

A personal protection order, or PPO, is an order issued by the Circuit Court. It can protect you from physical assaults such as battering, threats to you and your children, harassment, or stalking by another person. The PPO may also stop someone from coming into your home or bothering you at work. It can stop them from buying a firearm or finding your address through school records. It can also stop them from taking your minor children unless required by the court.

Who can get a PPO?

Anyone who has been physically, emotionally or sexually abused or threatened by someone they have been married to, lived with, have a child with, or dated. Some examples may include: a current or former spouse, family member, partner, other parent of your child, current or former roommate, or current or former person you have dated.

Anyone who has been stalked by a stranger or by someone they know. Stalking is repeated harassment that makes you feel scared or upset. They often bother people by giving them attention they do not want. This can be unwanted phone calls or gifts, or following people by going to where they work or live. It can also be threats to you or your family. Stalking can be fatal. The perception of reality of most stalkers is distorted. And if his attention is not reciprocated, he will resort to brutal and lethal means to get what he wants.

What should you bring?

A detailed letter informing the court what has been going on. Make sure to tell them everything, even the ones you think are insignificant. Include dates and details the best you can.

Police reports, medical records, photographs, or witnesses if you can get them. This is very important as it can be used as evidence in court hearings.

Any information about the abuser – current address, date of birth or age, hair colour, eye colour, height, weight, address, Social Security number, or driver’s license number.

Any court papers you have if you can get them. For example, custody and/or parenting time orders, lease agreement, divorce papers, or criminal case records.

What should you expect when you get there?

There is no cost to file a PPO. You do not have to pay for a fee.
It may take up to a half day to have a judge review your request. Please be at the Courthouse no later than 2:00 p.m.
The Juvenile Intake Office has the PPO forms. They will direct you to the PPO Assistance Office where staff can help you fill out the forms.
If there is any information you would like to be kept private, such as your address, do not include it when filling out your forms. Ask the Court Clerk for a confidential address form.
Once you complete the forms, a Deputy Clerk in the County Clerk’s Office will look them over and give you a judge and a case number. They will ask you about any other cases either of you may have.
You will then meet with a referee (attorney). They will review your forms, ask you questions, and report to the judge.
You will then go to the judge’s office to meet with the judge’s clerk. The judge and/or clerk may ask you more questions. The judge will review your request and either sign your order, set it for a hearing, or deny it.
Take the paperwork to the Clerk’s Office on the ground floor for filing. If the judge has signed the order, the County Clerk will give you copies of the order. The order will be put into a computer system that lets the police know there is a PPO.
If a hearing has been set, the Clerk will explain how to ‘serve’ the paperwork.
The PPO is in effect as soon as the judge signs it. The court may have problems enforcing the PPO if the abuser has not been served. The abuser must be served with copies of everything you file with the Clerk’s Office. The PPO Assistance Office can explain this to you.
You must file a Proof of Service form with the Clerk’s Office. The court may have problems enforcing the PPO if Proof of Service is not in the court file.
You do not have to let the abuser in your home because a court order says he/she can see the children. You can make other plans, such as having a friend or family member pick up and drop off the children. Or you can also meet at a police station or other public place. You may also ask for supervised parenting time through the court when you file your PPO.
If you want your PPO removed, you must return to the courthouse where the PPO was given. You cannot change or remove the PPO by saying you no longer want the PPO. Only the court can change or remove a PPO. The abuser can be arrested for violating the PPO until it expires or until the court removes the order. An abuser violates the order if he does something the PPO does not allow. Do not agree to anything the PPO restricts, or invite the abuser to violate the PPO until the PPO expires or the court changes the PPO.
CARRY A COPY OF YOUR PPO WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES!! This will help police enforce the PPO if there is a violation.

Remember, while PPOs do work, it is important to be careful and have a safety plan.

Signs Of An Abusive Relationship

August 24th, 2009

Knowing the signs of an abusive relationship is absolutely crucial in this day and age. No more can we afford to look the other way when the signs of abuse are there right in front of us. You never know who’ll be the next victim. Sometimes someone who seems strong and independently minded will turn out to put up with all kinds of abuse when the doors are closed. Maybe she (or he) will blame herself or tell herself that things are going to change. Maybe on some level she believed she doesn’t deserve any better. Nonetheless, as a friend you can help by spotting an abusive relationship before it is too late.

The signs of an abusive relationship vary with the age of the victim and the type of abuse. Signs of child abuse are actually comparatively easy to spot. You see, children are not quite as good at hiding things. When they are being abused, they usually want to tell you on some level. They will often have physical marks on their bodies with no good explanation of where they came from. Sometimes they’re quiet and withdrawn, or moody. Their parents may be overbearing or secretive, and keep them out of any extracurricular activities. These are just some of the most common about signs of childhood abuse.

Of course, with an adult abusive relationship, signs can be a little bit harder to spot. In my experience, one of the best telltale signs of an abusive relationship is the need of the victim to defend the abuser. On some level, victims always know when they’re being abused. When they jump to their abusers aid, they are not only trying to convince you that the abuse is not happening, but trying to convince themselves. They will be louder or more vociferous than the situation calls for. They may also try to excuse the abuse by giving all sorts of reasons for why it happened and claiming that it was a one-time thing.

The signs of emotional abuse are a little bit less clear. One of the biggest problems is that there is no good definition of where emotional abuse begins. Generally, it is all subjective. An emotionally abusive relationship is one where one person feels berated, excessively criticized, and put upon. The bullying can sometimes get very intense and lead to serious depression, making this every bit as crucial to spot as any other kind of abuse. Unfortunately, however, it is more difficult to spot.

Domestic Violence: Violence Wheel

August 3rd, 2009

Violence Wheel

The Violence Wheel is a chart developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project. It is a way of looking at the behaviors abusers use to get and keep control in their relationships. Battering is a choice. It is the conscious decision of the abuser to force his partner in whatever means to submit to his demands. It is used to gain power and control over another person. It is used to prove his superiority. Physical abuse is only one part of a system of abusive behaviors. This system of abuse spans to sexual abuse, emotional threats, verbal abuse, stalking and economic control, etc.

Abuse is never a one-time event. Abusers choose to use violent tactics to gain control his partner. It is not a spur-of-the-moment event. Alcohol and drug use will never be a valid excuse for battering and other abusive behavior.

This chart uses the wheel to show the relationship of physical abuse to other forms of abuse. Each part shows a way to control or gain power.

Using Coercion and Threats

The abuser makes and carries out threats to do something to hurt her. He threatens to leave her, to commit suicide or to report her to welfare. He makes her drop charges against him and makes her do illegal acts.

Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming

The abuser makes light of the abuse and does not taking her concerns seriously. He insists or claims that the abuse did not happen. He shifts responsibility for abusive behaviour, blaming the victim of it, saying that she caused it or asked for it.

Using Male Privilege-

The abuser uses gender-specific roles to gain superiority over his partner. Being the man of the house gives him the privilege to define men’s and women’s roles. He treats her like a servant. He makes all the big decisions and acts like the “master of the castle”.

Using Intimidation

The abuser makes her afraid by using looks, actions, gestures. He smashes things and destroys her property to prove a point, to prove that he can and will hurt her if she is not complacent. Aside from that, abusing pets and displaying weapons are common acts made by perpetrators.

Using Emotional Abuse-

The abuser puts her down. He makes her feel bad about herself by calling her names and by downplaying or undermining her achievements. He makes her think she is crazy for thinking that she is being abused. He plays mind games to gain control. He humiliates her and makes her feel guilty for all of his faults.

Using Isolation-

The abuser controls what she does, who she sees and talks to, what she reads, where she goes. He spies and monitors all her activities. He limits her involvement with people outside the home, like her extended family, friends, and colleagues. To justify his actions, he uses “jealousy” as his argument, which he equates with love.

Using Children-

The abuser makes her feel guilty about the children. He claims that by her leaving or not being submissive will ruin their family and their children’s futures. He uses the children to relay messages. If separated, he uses his visitation rights to harass her. He threatens to take the children away. He threatens to hurt the children to get his way with her.

Using Economic Abuse-

The abuser prevents her from getting or keeping a job since he demands all of time and attention. He makes her ask for money. He gives her an allowance instead of letting her handle her own financial resources. He takes her money and not let her know about the family income. He does not give her access to their money.

What is Abuse? – A Warning List

July 10th, 2009

Many people who are being abused do not see themselves as victims. Victims are perceived to be weak and helpless individuals, thus making it difficult for the abused to identify themselves with the term. Also, abusers do not see themselves as being abusive. They have a perverse notion of being right in what they are doing. People often think of domestic violence as physical violence, such as hitting. However, domestic violence takes many forms. Psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse are forms of domestic violence if they are performed to control his partner.

Domestic violence is about one person in a relationship using a pattern of behaviors to control the other person. It can happen to people who are married or not married. It does not only happen to heterosexual relationships. Gays and lesbians can be victimized as well. You can be abused even if you are only living together or dating or even if you are already separated.

If your partner repeatedly uses one or more of the following to control you;

pushing, hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, or biting
harms you physically even if you are incapacitated
pusing household items as weapons to threaten and hurt you
Depriving you of food, sleep, medicines, etc.
Imprisoning you at your own house
disabling you by inflicting serious injury to further isolate you from society
keeping you from seeing your friends, family or from going to work
act possessive
threatening you, your children, other family members or pets
threaten to take your children away from you
battering the children too
threatening suicide to get you to do something
using or threatening to use a weapon such as firearms and knives against you
keeping or taking your paycheck
making you economically dependent by controlling both personal and joint bank accounts
puts you down or makes you feel bad
pick fights by criticizing you
makes you question your mental capacity and sense of self-worth
destroy your personal belongings
claims to forget the instances wherein he was abusive
humiliates you in public and in private
limits your social interactions
monitors all of your activities
alienates you from your family and friends
disfigures you to keep you away from everyone
threatens committing suicide to get his way
reinforces the patriarchal system in an absolute way
demean your heritage, culture, profession and gender
uses his own stature and gender to yield control
insults and ignores your contributions and feelings
name calling
blames you for all of his faults and shortcomings
controls even your minor decisions
demands all of your time and attention
threatens to leave you
threatens to hurt you physically
denies their abusive behavior*
questions your mental ability
makes crude sexual jokes
treats you like a sex object
makes undignified remarks towards your sex or sexual orientation
ignores your own sexual needs
touching you in intimate areas though it is unwanted
justifies his behavior of forcing sexual intercourse as his right
forces you to expose yourself to pornographic materials
forces you to perform sexual acts that are demeaning
forcing you to have sex or to do sexual acts you do not want or like

YOU HAVE BEEN ABUSED!! THESE INCIDENTS ARE NOT NORMAL IN A RELATIONSHIP. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GO THROUGH ABUSE.

Remember threatened or actual physical violence may be illegal. Consider calling the police for help.

Why does sexual abuse happen? (counselingonlinesite.com)
Domestic Violence: Why (Some) Women Stay – Part 3 (dailystrength.org)
Domestic Violence: Why (Some) Men Hit – Part 2 (dailystrength.org)

Domestic Violence: Definition

July 3rd, 2009

Domestic violence is the behavior used by one person in a relationship to control the other. This form of abuse occurs to both married and unmarried couples. It also occurs to individuals outside the relationship, such as the children. It is not limited to physical abuse. Although emotional instability could stem from the physical beatings, emotional abuse alone counts as domestic violence. Now recognized as an anti-social illness, it can be found in all kinds or relationships- heterosexual, gay, lesbian, living together, separated or dating.

Examples of abuse include:

name-calling or put-downs
keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends
withholding money
stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job
actual or threatened physical harm
sexual assault
stalking
intimidation

Domestic violence can be criminal. It being the leading cause of injury to women aged 15 and above, this sort of violence can result to one’s death. Domestic violence includes physical assault, sexual abuse and stalking. Hitting, pushing and shoving are some examples of physical assaults. Sexual abuse is defined as unwanted or forced sexual activity. Under the legal system, forcing one’s wife to any sexual activity is considered as marital rape. Stalking is an invasion of privacy, of one’s personal space. Being pursued stealthily puts you in a vulnerable state, open to the pursuer’s erratic behavior. Therefore, stalking is a crime. It is deterrent to the whole being of the victim. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuses are not criminal behaviors, they are forms of abuse that can lead to criminal violence.

Like evil itself, the violence takes many forms. It can happen all the time or once in a while. An important step to help yourself or someone you know in preventing or stopping violence is by recognizing the warning signs listed on the “Violence Wheel.” The Violence Wheel is an informative guide in determining whether or not you are being abused. Sure, there are alarm bells sounding off when you are being mistreated. However, fear or blind love causes you to ignore them. Why is it important to know the warning signs? Awareness of the signs is deemed important because it helps you to “diagnose” the current state of your relationship. Sometimes, women think it is normal for men to lose control and hurt them physically and verbally. By knowing the signs, you are able to determine where to draw the line and to prevent further abuse. If you are already being abused, it will help you deepen your resolve to stop the abuse. Acknowledging the fact that you are being abused is the first active step towards freedom.

ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM! It is difficult to admit to yourself that you are a victim, that you have been victimized. It hurts your body, your pride, your ego. Being a victim should not be downplayed. You can only be a victim if you do not speak up and fight for your rights. Victims of domestic violence can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Both men and women can be abused though most reported victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Most children cannot handle the situation better than you do. Even if your child is not physically harmed, witnessing a parent assault the other causes suffering. Raising a child in a violent environment affects their emotional and social behavior. They may even adapt the violent behavior, lead to believe that it is a normal and rational concept.

If you are in an abusive relationship or know someone who is being abused, REMEMBER that:

1. You are not alone.
2. It is not your fault.
3. Help is available and within your reach.

White House Creates New Position On Domestic Violence (blogs.abcnews.com)
White House makes excellent choice for advisor on Violence Against Women (americablog.com)

Domestic Violence: Questions About Leaving

June 26th, 2009

Victims of domestic violence eventually develop their own tactics to survive. They develop ways to cope and live with the abuse. For them to manage the maltreatment, most victims will deny the occurrence of violence. Some will water it down so it will be easier for them to accept. To deaden the pain, some victims resort to drugs and alcohol. Some take full responsibility for their partner’s abusive behavior. This response is usually egged on by the abuser since once of his manipulative tactics is to blame the victim for provoking him.

There are many other factors on why victims stay in an abusive relationship. It may be the result of an upbringing with rigid religious and cultural constraints. Whatever the reason, it will never validate the existence of an abusive environment. It seems irrational to choose to live with violence but that choice is usually grounded on fear of what happens when and after they leave.

Can I take my children with me when I leave?

Yes, you can absolutely take your children with you only if you can do it safely. It may be more difficult later for you to protect them when you have already distanced yourself from the abuser.
Get legal custody of them within a few days. This is of the utmost importance. Many of the groups listed in this book may help you find assistance.
If you do not have your children with you, it may be difficult filing for temporary custody of your children. The parent who has physical possession of the children may and usually have an advantage of getting temporary custody. As mentioned previously in this handbook, include your children in your safety plan to avoid unnecessary loopholes.
Your partner may try to kidnap, threaten or harm the children in order to get you to return. It is important to warn your children’s school of who are allowed to pick them up. Inform your neighbors as well that you have already left the abuser and no longer share accommodations with him.
If you are in immediate danger and cannot take your children, contact the police immediately to arrange for temporary protective custody. (This does not mean you will lose custody. Permanent custody will be decided later by a judge).

Where do I go?

Stay with a friend or relatives. Now, the abuser will most likely look for you at your family’s home. It is essential for your survival to go to a relative that wholly supports your decision to leave.
If you are a woman, do not stay with a man unless he is a relative. Living with a man you are not married to could hurt your chances of getting custody of your children and spousal support. The abuser’s legal adviser can use this as an argument at court. It could also cause conflict with your abuser. Living with a man will further infuriate the abuser and will cause severe retaliation.
Go to a battered women’s shelter with your children. The staff there can help you get legal and financial help as well as provide counseling and emotional support for you and your children.
Call 911 because it is a good start. The police now have established protocols for domestic abuse calls and will fairly enforce the law against the said violence. Domestic violence is now considered as a serious threat and is recognized by the state of law.

Your life and your safety are most important. Trying to bring your children with you is important. Everything else is secondary.

What Can A Victim Of Abuse Do To Be Safe?

June 19th, 2009

You may be scared of reporting the abusive incident, fearing that your husband or partner will find out and increase his brutality. However, there is hope. Help is available to a victim of abuse and there are agencies that will specifically cater to your emotional and legal needs. All you have to do is ask. It is likely to happen again so it is best to figure out what you have to do to survive.

If you are a victim of abuse and feel you are in danger from your abuser at any time or are already suffering from abuse, call 911 or your local police. The police have established a protocol for this type of abuse. HAVEN may be able to provide you with a cell phone that is programmed to only call 911. These phones are for when you need to call the police and cannot get to any other phone because the abuser has severed all communications at your home.

Consider the following:

If you are in danger when the police come, they can protect you.

They can help you and your children leave your home safely.

They can arrest your abuser when they have enough proof that you have been abused.

They can arrest your abuser if a personal protection order (PPO) has been violated.

When the police come, tell them everything the abuser did that made you call.

If you have been hit, tell the police where. Tell them how many times it happened. Show them any marks left on your body. Marks may take time to show up. If you see a mark after the police leave, call the police to take pictures of the marks. They may be used in court.

If your abuser has broken any property, show the police.

The police can give you information on domestic violence programs and shelters.

The police must make a report saying what happened to you. Police reports can be used in court if your abuser is charged with a crime.

Get the officers’ names, badge numbers, and the report number in case you need a copy of the report.

A police report can be used to help you get a PPO.

You may be confused or embarrassed of what you are going through but it is important to tell your family, friends and co-workers. If you are a victim of abuse, get support from friends and family. They can provide support and shelter for you and your children. If you are able to leave the abuser, it is best to stay with relatives as they can give you protection without causing more conflict with your partner.

It is understandable not wanting to leave the home that you built. It is not fair, neither is the abuse. You should not have to leave your home because of what your abuser has done. But sometimes, it is the only way you for you to be safe. If you are a victim of abuse, find a safe place. There are shelters that can help you move to a different city or state. HAVEN can put you in touch with them.

If you are a victim of abuse and have been physically hurt, get medical help, go to the hospital or your doctor. Domestic violence advocates (people to help you such as social services) may be called to the hospital. They are there to give you support and access to government agencies. You may ask medical staff to call one for you.

Medical records are important in court cases. They can also help you get a PPO. Give all the information about your injuries and who hurt you that you feel safe to give.

Special medical concerns:

Sometimes you may not even know you are hurt.

What seems like a small injury could be a big one.

If you are pregnant and you were hit in your stomach, tell the doctor. Many abusers hurt unborn children.

A victim of abuse can be in danger of closed head injuries. This is because their abusers often hit them in the head. If any of these things happen after a hit to the head, get medical care right away.

Memory loss.

Dizziness.

Problems with eyesight.

Throwing-up.

Headache that will not go away.

If you are a victim of abuse, get a personal protection order. It can protect you from being hit, threatened, harassed, or stalked by your abuser.

Lastly, make a safety plan. Plan what to do before or when you feel unsafe. If you are a victim of abuse, your safety is the most important thing.

The Vicious Cycle of Domestic Violence

June 12th, 2009

The cycle aims to shed some light on how one person can stand being in an abusive relationship. The cycle can happen hundreds of times and each stage lasts a different amount of time in a relationship. The total cycle of domestic violence can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete. As the violence escalates, the time between the stages decreases. As the tension builds, so does the frequency of beatings and of false gestures of love.

Incident. Abuse is not an isolated incident. There is a pattern and its’ frequency and gravity increases over time. Therefore, it is important to take advantage of the predictability of the abusive behavior and to consider even the littlest form of abuse as a serious threat.

Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional) to you and other family members

Tension Building. In the first stage, the tension between the couple increases. This build-up tension leads to more arguments or rather, it occurs more frequently. During this time of heightened hostility, the victim is made aware of what will happen to her if she is not submissive to his demands.

Abuser starts to get angry
Abuse may begin such as the battering incidents and verbal assaults
There is a breakdown of communication
Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
Victim believes that it is possible to control the abuser by appeasing him and by being submissive
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels like they are ‘walking on egg shells’

Making-Up. In the second stage, the abuser becomes remorseful though he is not truly sorry for what he did, because most abusers blame the incident on the other party. He becomes loving towards the victim nevertheless. At this point, he acts contrite for hurting his partner and reassures her that it will not transpire ever again.

Abuser may apologize for abuse
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims

Calm. In the third stage, the abuser lets up on the battering. He returns to his “normal” state, the man you fell in love with. He tries to make up for the brutal incident by showering the victim with gifts and affection. The victim is led to believe that the violence has stopped. Both parties will deny that the abuse even took place or how violent the incident was.

Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
Physical abuse may not be taking place
Promises made during ‘making-up’ may be met
Victim may hope that the abuse is over
Abuser may give gifts to victim

The cycle of domestic violence proves that the abuser follows a compulsive pattern. Most victims can anticipate the onslaught of the violent behavior since it has occurred to them often. It is important to remember that not all domestic violence relationships fit the cycle. You may not experience or relate to all of the stages. Often, as time goes on, the ‘making-up’ and ‘calm’ stages disappear. You may be experiencing the violent outbursts on a regular basis, without it subsiding or gradually evolving to the remorseful, make-up stage.

Advocacy groups and crises centers are established based on informative research and studies. In response to this cycle of domestic violence, legal courts are able to understand and gain insight on the behavior of both parties.

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